A VOICE FROM BEYOND

  KIRI:
Where am I?

ALLY:
Oh, hello Kiri! I don’t know where you are. I can’t see you.

KIRI:
I’m somewhere! 

ALLY:
Describe it.

KIRI:
Green. It’s green. There are trees and grass and there’s a river, and hills, and it’s warm. But there’s snow on top of the hills.  The sky is blue with big white fluffy clouds. There are birds singing in the trees. Oh, and the meadow over there is full of wild flowers: ox-eye daisies, cornflowers, meadowsweet, lots of things... 

ALLY:
Sounds like my idea of Heaven!

KIRI:
Mine too. 

ALLY:
We like the same things, you and me. Is there anyone else there?

KIRI:
I don’t know. Oh, wait – I see a dog. A black and white dog.

ALLY:
Do you recognise him?

KIRI:
He reminds me of Old Creaky Dog from long ago. But it can’t be him. He’s not dragging his back legs. He’s bounding over to meet me!

ALLY:
Oh Kiri... It’s Ghyll! He’s not creaky any more. He’s a fine young dog again. You can play together properly now!

KIRI:
What about me? Am I a fine young dog too? Last thing I rememeber, I wasn’t feeling too good. I felt like shit to be honest. 

ALLY:
And how do you feel now?

KIRI:
I feel FINE!! I feel like a fine young dog! Yes!!!
Oh. Ghyll says “Hi!”

ALLY:
Aw that’s nice. Hi Ghyll. 
Is there anyone else there?

KIRI:
I think I heard someon miaowing.

ALLY:
A cat, perhaps?

KIRI:
Ooh, it’s two cats! I used to know them too!

ALLY:
I think maybe I can guess which cats those are.

KIRI:
SmallCat and LargeCat! They disappeared.

ALLY:
Aineko and Oscar. They died. We buried them in the garden, beside Ghyll.

KIRI:
They’re not buried now. They’re climbing trees!

ALLY:
Say “Hi” to them for me, will you? Tell them I miss them, but I’m glad they’re in the same happy place that you are.
Anyone else there?

KIRI:
There’s another dog coming over. I don’t know her. She’s all black and grey and white with big sticky up ears. Ghyll seems pleased to see her.

ALLY:
Oh, how wonderful! Pace is there too! We lost her such a long time ago. You can all be friends together now.

KIRI:
That sounds nice.
Where are we though?

ALLY:
You’re in the place where all the good dogs go. And all the good cats, too.

KIRI:
Yes, I can see three more cats in the distance. There’s an orange and white one, a calico one, and a tabby. They look a bit shy but they’re coming over.

ALLY:
Please tell Charlotte, Rover and BB that I miss them a lot, and I’m glad they’re in the place where the good cats go, because they are very good cats.

KIRI:
And people? Do they come here too?

ALLY:
I hope so. I Want to go there one day.

KIRI:
Will you come soon?

ALLY:
I hope not. But when I do come, it’ll be joyous, because we’ll be together again.

KIRI:
I miss you.

ALLY:
I miss you too. But when I come, we’ll be together forever. 

KIRI:
That’s worth waiting for.

Small Cat is sharp

KIRI:
SmallCat. She's sharp!

ALLY:
Er ... yes ... probably .... what do you mean exactly?

KIRI:
She hit my nose!! She was SHARP!!!

ALLY:
Did she, now? Did you do something to provoke her?

KIRI:
No!! I .... what's provoke? Is it like poke, only more so?

ALLY:
Well, I suppose in your case it might well be to do with poking, but ... No, I mean, did you do something to make her angry?

KIRI:
No!! She was upsetting me, not the other way round!!!

ALLY:
What was she doing?

KIRI:
She was lying ... IN ... MY... BED!!!

ALLY:
That might because she likes you, and wants your scent to rub off on her.

KIRI:
Oh, that's nice!!

ALLY:
On the other hand, it might be because she wants to leave HER scent in YOUR territory, to make sure you know who's boss.

KIRI:
But YOU are boss, aren't you?

ALLY:
Of course. I'm Top Boss. But there can be lesser bosses.

Kiri talks in her sleep.

8 May at 09:45
ALLY
So it seems Kiri talks in her sleep. I wonder what she's dreaming about? ... ........

Suzanne
Rabbits. And small Mexican dogs.

ALLY
Sounds about right ...

John 
Windfalls and walks?

GRACE
Biggles does, he yips and yaps and twitches his paws, I stroke him and he stirs then settles. I am sure it is dreams.

ALLY
I've seen them running in their sleep - Ghyll was still doing that in his last weeks, when he could barely walk in real life - but these little talking noises are new. And very cute!
I also had a cat with an exceptionally loud snore. Took me a while to figure out what the noise was in the middle of the night!

KIRI LA VOLTA
 I do not talk in my sleep!!! I'd have heard me!!! I'd have wakened me up if I did that!!!

ALLY
But you do. I heard you. I thought, "what's that funny noise?" and there you were, fast asleep, talking away.

KIRI LA VOLTA
What was I saying then??? Eh???

ALLY
I don't know. I don't speak Dog.

KIRI LA VOLTA
Yes you do. You walk behind me barking to make me think there's another dog behind me.

ALLY
Dammit. You noticed it was me!

KIRI LA VOLTA
Do you think I'm stupid?

ALLY
Absolutely not!

KIRI LA VOLTA
Your accent is terrible though.

ALLY
I'm Scottish. Deal with it.

KIRI LA VOLTA
I'm from New Zealand but I don't bark funny like you!

ALLY
You're from Cumbria.

KIRI LA VOLTA
So why do you keep telling people I'm from New Zealand?

ALLY
It's the type of dog you are. You're a New Zealand Huntaway sheepdog. But you're a Cumbrian New Zealand Huntaway Sheepdog.

KIRI LA VOLTA
 ....................

KIRI LA VOLTA
I'm just going to go and sing your rabbit song now:

The rabbit the rabbit the rabbit
the planet's most versatile beast,
for children, a charming companion
for us, a FINE PIE when deceased.

ALLY
You're singing out of tune.

KIRI LA VOLTA
I DON'T CARE!!!! Wooof woooof wooooooffff!!!

CHRISTINE
Does Kiri know about Watership Down, oh human?

ALLY
I don't think so! Though I may have been known to sing Bright Eyes in her presence.

KIRI LA VOLTA
I don't like that song as much as your Rabbit Song, SmallHumanPerson

3rd verse mentions me!

Down on the dunes there are rabbits who
dig tunnels - it's what rabbits do.
Our dogs love to watch them and chase them
and feast upon fresh rabbit poo.

ALLY
You and Ghyll, yes. You both spent a lot of time gobbling up rabbit poo last summer round the Roman Milefortlet, didn't you?

KIRI LA VOLTA
The rabbits leave it specially for us, for treats. I'll have to eat Ghyll's portion as well this year.😋😋😋😋

ALLY
Stop licking your lips. It's unseemly.

A Heroic Adventure

KIRI LA VOLTA
Ooh - she's left me alone with her computer!!! Silly silly silly. Now I can say things!!!
Yesterday we were HEROIC!!! We saved a little white dog called Bo from certain death under the wheels of the cars thundering along the coast road. He was so scared. He came out of his harness and thought he'd have a run, but he didn't know which way to go, so he just ran anyway, and then he couldn't see his human, and everyone was chasing him or trying to catch him which made him even more scared, so he ran and ran and ran, and then we found him, but he wouldn't stop, so we sat on the path and talked to him - I talked to him too - he liked that! - and he came quite near, but Small Human Person couldn't get a hold of him because he'd lost his collar and he just ran straight past us and off down the path and back on to the road, and there were cars and vans and things all stopping so as not to kill him, and then we found his human but she couldn't catch him either and then she went after him and we started to go home but there was Bo right in front of us and we nearly caught him but he ran off again so we went in our car to find Bo's human and her sister, who is a lady I already know who has a nice new dog called Bobby, and Bo's human got in our car and we went back and all the cars had stopped in the middle of the road and Bo was there and she managed to catch him and we lent her a lead to put round his neck and we took them back to her sister and they were all happy and saying thank you thank you thank you and Small Human Person took their photo and they all lived happily ever after. !!!!!!! It was all VERY EXCITING!!!

ALLY
Phew! That was a very long sentence!

KIRI LA VOLTA
I know!!! It was good wasn't it????

ALLY
I think his name is spelt Beau rather than Bo.

KIRI LA VOLTA
That's a silly way to spell it.

ALLY
It's French.

KIRI LA VOLTA
I don't speak French.

ALLY
You don't speak English either, to be honest, but hey, who cares?

KIRI LA VOLTA
Was I brave?

ALLY
Well .... yes of course you were.


KIRI LA VOLTA
I am a HEROIC DOG!!!

ALLY
Um. Sure.

ANGELA
Ha ha, quite the double act
Phew I am exhausted reading it, all very exciting Kiri.

KIRI LA VOLTA
Yes it was VERY exciting! We walked three times as far as Small Human Person had planned, back and forth, to and fro, up and down, and we talked to EVERYONE, and they all said how nice looking I am, and that made me happy!! And we saved Bo! ... er... Baueeuouoeea ... I can't do French. Bo.

ALLY
You're easily pleased, Kiri.

ANGELA
Thank you for making my day Kiri

ROSALIND
Brave Kiri! Did you lose all your full stops in the chase?

ANNIE
Oh nice work Kiri & Small Human Person. That's good that you knew the really best thing to do is sit & talk & wait for the runaway doggie to come to you. You are indeed a HEROIC doggie.

TERRY
Well done, Kiri!

JOHN
Kiri, your human usually tells a good story, and she told us this story yesterday. But I have to say that your telling of the tale is much more exciting. Sometimes punctuation gets in the way of a good stream of consciousness, and I feel that you have the advantage over Small Human Person in this regard. Your telling if the tale also gives proper emphasis to your heroic and brave contribution to events. Very well done both of you. I'm sure Bo/Beau will tell all the other dogs about your heroic day. You will be the toast of the coastal cycleway. xx

SERENA
Well done Kiri, you were really brave and obviously told your small human person just what she needed to do!

Sainsbury's and field running

KIRI:
You left me alone in the car!!

ALLY:
Yes. I did, didn't I? Well spotted!

KIRI:
You're not supposed to leave dogs in cars! I might have died!!

ALLY:
That advice refers to hot cars in the sun.

It was half past seven in the evening. The car was parked in the shade. The window was open. And I was only away for 5 minutes. You couldn't possibly have died in that time.

KIRI:
I shouted for you not to go away!

ALLY:
I know. I heard. And so did everyone else in the car park.

KIRI:
Why did you leave me?

ALLY:
Because I had to go into Sainsbury's for some milk.

KIRI:
What's Sainsbury's?

ALLY:
It's a shop where I buy food.

KIRI:
But you take me into shops!! I've been in shops in Keswick!!! They have signs on the door that say, "WELL-BEHAVED DOGS WELCOME!" !!!! I am well-behaved. Sometimes ...

ALLY:
Those are clothes shops and charity shops and things. There are regulations about not letting dogs into food shops.  You're unhygenic. Apparently.

KIRI:
I am NOT unhygenic!!! How very dare they????!!!

ALLY:
Actually, you are pretty unhygenic, but however you may feel about it, they wouldn't have let you in. And we needed some milk. And bananas.

KIRI:
I like bananas! Can I have one?

ALLY:
Not just now.

Now, where did we go after that?

KIRI:
Why are you asking me??? Have you forgotten already??? I can remember!!

ALLY:
No! I've not forgotten. Just wondering what you thought of it.

KIRI:
We went along a river, and saw a castle, and we went in a field, and you let me run and run and run and run and run and run and run and ....

ALLY:
Yes! You did a bit of running, didn't you?

KIRI:
Yes!!!! I ran and ran and ran and ...

ALLY:
You enjoyed that didn't you?

KIRI:
YES!!! I like running.!! A LOT!!!

ALLY:
Really? That's a big surprise.

I took some photos of you running.

KIRI:
Did you??? Can I see????

ALLY:
Yes, in a minute. Where did we go next?

KIRI:
Then you tried to go through a gate but it was locked, so we had to climb over a thing ... a stile?? ... and then we went in another field, and we went through a gate and down a lonning and there were trees and the backs of buildings and then we came out and ...and ... there was our CAR!!! Right there!!! Nowhere near where we'd left it!!! It was so exciting!!! How did that happen?

ALLY:
It was exactly where we left it. We just went in a circle. Only I'd never been round that way before, so I was as surprised as you when we emerged from the lonning on to the road exactly where we'd left the car. So we've discovered a nice new walk.

Here's a photo of you running towards me:

KIRI:
Ooh I look happy don't I???

ALLY:
I think you were happy.

KIRI:
I'm a happy dog!!!!

Can I have some banana now?!

Nothing went wrong!

KIRI:
Nothing happened!!!

ALLY:
What do  you  mean, nothing happened?

KIRI:
We went for a walk round the harbour, and nothing happened!!

ALLY:
Well, the seagulls and the oystercatchers shouted, and the waves crashed against the pier, and you met several friendly dogs who didn't stop to play, and I took some photos of you. I wouldn't say that's "nothing".

KIRI:
Nothing went wrong!

ALLY:
Surely that's a good thing!

KIRI:
But there's nothing to write about!!!!

ALLY:
Would you like me to have an accident every time we go out?

KIRI:
Yes!! No. No, that wouldn't be good. 

ALLY:
Well, here's a photo of you laughing. Will that do?

KIRI:
Hahahaha! ROFL! LOL! !!!!

It's outrageous!

KIRI:
SmallCat is sleeping in Ghyll's bed!!!

ALLY:
I know.

KIRI:
But it's not her bed!!!

ALLY:
Yes, I know. It's Ghyll's bed.

KIRI:
She shouldn't!!

ALLY:
Why not? Ghyll doesn't mind. He likes the cats and the cats like him.

KIRI:
But ...!!!!

ALLY:
Are you outraged?

KIRI:
Yes! It's outrageous!!!

ALLY:
Why?

KIRI:
..... !!!!

ALLY:
Now do you see why the cats like Ghyll better than you?